Everyday Grace

Over a year……….how has it been over a year since my fingers were last poised at my keyboard, ready to share the latest news in our difficult journey?  There is no way to recount all the struggles, pains, triumphs, and devastations of the last twelve plus months in one measly post.  Where do I even begin?  How do I start to share all that has been building up inside my heart in that time?  What is most important to share?  All questions that both overwhelm and fascinate me.  My life is nothing like what it was a year ago, for more reasons than I can count, but I guess the…

The six weeks between our MRIs on March 26th and May 7th were a time of daily upheaval and change.  Every day brought with it some new decline in Jonathan’s condition.  The deterioration was rapid, and presented itself in many different manners.  Jonathan went from being fairly active around our home to sleeping between 15-18 hours a day.  He slowly started noticing some numbness in his right foot, and the headaches were increasing again.  As the numbness on his right side grew, his stability decreased, and his lack of balance increased.  By the time we headed back to the doctor on May 7th, he had almost no feeling on the…

This past Tuesday brought with it another long and exhausting day at the hospital, getting a new MRI and meeting with doctors.  It had been over a month since Jonathan first started the Avastin infusions, and it was time for a review.  I was especially interested in speaking with the doctors on this one.  The hope was that the Avastin would diminish Jonathan’s symptoms concerning his vision, lack of ability to read and write, balance issues, and so on.  Unfortunately, not only were his symptoms not at all improved, but he felt SO much worse.  He was left with absolutely no energy, and his state of confusion was at times…

I apologize that it has been such a long time since I last posted an update.  The last three months have honestly been the craziest and hardest we have encountered to date.  So many times I would sit down to write an update, and I would just stare at the screen for several minutes before closing my computer in utter exhaustion.  The one day I finally got a detailed update written out, everything glitched and my work was not saved.  It was easy to walk away after that.  Especially since life was already draining everything out of me.  At this point, so much has happened that half the battle is…

Since this month’s MRI created more questions than it did answers, our doctor had decided to take our case before the tumor board for more input.  That was going to take over a week, so she did get Jonathan on steroids for swelling.  She let us know that the call nurse would be following up with us to see if the steroids were doing the job.  Within a couple days of taking the meds, Jonathan was experiencing less pain, but it would still come and go at times throughout the day along with some pressure.  Add to that, it was sending his emotions into a constant tailspin.  By the time…

This past Tuesday came and went with another trip to the hospital for our regular MRI and doctors appointment.  The feeling of dread was more prevalent this time around as Jonathan had started experiencing daily headaches and eye pain just after Christmas.  Each day we would look at each other, and the unspoken question would just hang in the air………..Has the tumor progressed?  While we walked into the hospital that day with God’s strength, I was feeling an incredible amount of heartache at the reality of our situation.  Regardless of what was going to be found that day, the pain and stress of this journey has been a daily reminder…

Ever since Jonathan’s seizures and subsequent diagnosis, MRI scans have become a part of regular life.  When first found, the tumor was already large in size, and the doctors were unable to take any of it out due to the shape of the tumor and the location in the brain.  Every three months we make the dreaded drive down to the hospital for a MRI with contrast followed by an appointment with his doctor to read the results, and talk over current or potential issues, problems, or treatment.  It’s an emotionally exhausting experience, and while it rarely tells us anything we don’t already know, it still sets you on edge.…

An unwelcome familiar emotion crept in this year as soon as the Christmas decorations started going up in all the retail stores.  Something as simple as shopping at Costco is enough to send me into a tailspin this time of year.  Not because I don’t like Christmas.  I LOVE this time of year, but some things definitely changed last year after Jonathan’s brain cancer diagnosis.  Payday has become a dreaded day.  I can’t help but feel incredibly alone in the midst of all the smiling customers filling their carts with all kinds of Christmas decorations, gift wrap and ribbons, and of course, all the seasonal gift ideas in what seems…

This past April, we awoke one morning to steady stream of water running in our kitchen.  It took hours to get it to stop, and by then the damage was done.  A water restoration team was called in to salvage what they could and dry out our house.  The water had affected five total rooms in our home, including two bedrooms.  In case you ever wondered, a restoration team coming to your house isn’t necessarily going to “restore” everything…….especially if your insurance company doesn’t feel like paying for it.  About one-third of our hardwood flooring in the kitchen had been ripped up, and our thirty year old, already rotting, particle…

Every lifetime is a journey….each one filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns.  Some of those bends in the road are so severe and  unexpected that you never have a chance to react before careening totally off track.  I call those my “hairpin turns.”  They take your breath away and leave you staring off in utter confusion.  On September 12th, 2017, I hit my worst hairpin turn yet, at least that’s what I thought at the time.  I had no idea how that turn would continue to spiral downward, down the side of a narrow cliff with no guardrails.  I was left clinging to the rocky hillside all…