Fearless

Ever since Jonathan’s seizures and subsequent diagnosis, MRI scans have become a part of regular life.  When first found, the tumor was already large in size, and the doctors were unable to take any of it out due to the shape of the tumor and the location in the brain.  Every three months we make the dreaded drive down to the hospital for a MRI with contrast followed by an appointment with his doctor to read the results, and talk over current or potential issues, problems, or treatment.  It’s an emotionally exhausting experience, and while it rarely tells us anything we don’t already know, it still sets you on edge.   This past summer, they spotted some new spots on the scan.  The doctor and the MRI tech disagreed on whether it was tumor progression or radiation damage finally showing up after the proton therapy treatments last fall.  This constituted the need for another scan in the not too distant future followed by a spinal scan to make sure the spinal fluid was clear of any cancer.  Thankfully, the spinal scan did come back negative, and the doctor felt even more confident in her original belief that the new spots were radiation damage and not tumor progression.  Since they really can never know anything “for sure” the recommendation was to keep coming back for scans every two months instead of three. 

Jonathan had a scan scheduled for November 13th.  As always, family, friends, and people around the country we have never even met, were praying for good results.  A couple weeks prior, the nasty cold bug started making it’s way slowly through each member of our family.  Somehow, it seemed to keep missing Jonathan, and after a few days of no one really being sick, I thought we were all in the clear.   Nope……that bug wasn’t done yet, and it zeroed in on Jonathan hard.  We ended up having to call and cancel the scan and doctor appointment.  After all, it’s pretty impossible to lay perfectly still in a MRI machine while sneezing and coughing your head off.   That initial realization brought with it a swift moment of fear, and the questions started running through my mind.  What if there’s been a change?  What if things are worse?  What if there is something going on in his head that we need to know about NOW???   Immediately following the barrage of anguishing questions came God’s quiet peace.  As they tried to set up a time to reschedule the MRI, every date was impossible until we hit January.  Yes…..January!  It will be four months between scans, and you know what?  I’m okay with that.  God and I have a deal……He takes care of things, and I try to live fearlessly.  This whole experience has given me LOTS of opportunities to put that into practice.  Some areas are easier than others.  Some are still a huge struggle, but God isn’t done with me yet.  

Add to all that, Jonathan is stepping back into his former role at work this week.  I truly believe that the timing is no accident, and that good, although possibly challenging, things are in store for him.  I told him that I believe it’s a God send for him to walk back into this place without the words of a doctor or MRI tech echoing in his ears.  He gets to walk back in with God’s words in His mind, and those are the only ones that really matter anyway.  We believe in what we cannot see!  We have faith to put one foot out in front of the other, knowing that God’s got the path there for us to walk on.  Living fearlessly does not mean never experiencing any fear.  It means that you’re willing to give it up and hand it over to someone who can transform it into strength.  It’s not easy, but like anything else, it does get easier with practice……I promise!