Cherish the Gift
Over a year……….how has it been over a year since my fingers were last poised at my keyboard, ready to share the latest news in our difficult journey? There is no way to recount all the struggles, pains, triumphs, and devastations of the last twelve plus months in one measly post. Where do I even begin? How do I start to share all that has been building up inside my heart in that time? What is most important to share? All questions that both overwhelm and fascinate me.
My life is nothing like what it 
was a year ago, for more reasons than I can count, but I guess the largest reason for that change would have to be that I am no longer a wife. On December 29th, 2019, I lost my very best friend. Jonathan knew me better than anyone else did, and he loved me without reservation. Of all those that have ever walked the earth, he was MY person, and without question, I was his. When it’s all said and done, my greatest hope is that I loved and served him, not just well, but with the best I had. In his last couple of months, Jonathan couldn’t remember one minute to the next. I constantly reminded him that it was such a privilege to be his wife, and that I was honored to be the one to take care of him for as long as he had on this earth. They weren’t empty words. I meant them with every fiber of my being. Life was incredibly brutal, yet every day I could give Jonathan the care he needed, simply because God would refill me with HIS love, HIS grace, and HIS strength. Those attributes are the same ones that have sustained me ever since. God has been my never-ending source throughout all of this.
It’s been over six months now that Jonathan has been gone. No matter how well you think you prepare yourself for loss, you will always be caught off guard by the strangest things you would just never think of. Several times now, I have gotten quite a jolt by seeing myself listed on a document as an “unmarried person” or “widow”, and I’ll never forget the first time I saw Jonathan listed as “deceased”, or stared down the front page of his death certificate. It’s a pain I can’t describe, and one I certainly wish on no one. A while ago, I was messaging back and forth with a friend of mine who also lost their spouse last year, and I think my words that day sum it up pretty well – “Never saw it coming. Not in a million years. Grief is such a hard tug of war, isn’t it? The survivor in you desperately wanting to move forward and out of the pain, but the other side really not wanting to let go and fearing forgetting something important. Sometimes it almost feels like you have to choose between letting go and completely losing the one you love, or losing yourself. It’s really neither. They were and are such a part of us. They helped make us who we are. What a gift.”
There is just so much to share with you…..so many stories to recount, good and bad. So many changes. So many endings and beginnings. It may be slow going, but I’m here, I’m back, and I know that there are many good things in store for me and my family. I’m humbled that you are along for the ride, and I’m so thankful for all the love and support I’ve been given. Truly…..thank you. ~
7 Comments
Sue Timpe
I will look forward to each note you share and appreciate the cost of what you have learned. God bless you sweet friend.
Mary Hull
Ann Marie you are such a beautiful person inside and out. So many prayers and tears have been prayed for your family. The journey you walked this last year was not by choice but by His grace. It was walked not by understanding but by Trusting in Him. I continue to pray for your heart to be healed from this great loss. You are an inspiration to many. The women’s ministry I am a part of prayed and wept along side of me for your family.
I wish we lived closer so I could physically give you a hug. I am so bad at writing and phone calls and I am a more private person and I am more comfortable in person. You might not hear from me but you are in my thoughts. This is an area I need to be better at.
I really would love Veronica and Luke to get to know you and your family. I am blessed that their hearts burn for Jesus and their desire is to walk in His righteousness and truth. Your children are so beautiful and I am ashamed I can’t remember all their names. How did life get to this point? Why do we get so busy that what matters gets lost in our business.
It is great to see you settled in your new home. I continue to pray for your next chapter and the challenges you will face. We don’t know what is around the corner but God’s love never changes. He will provide us with all we need. As I read in Psalms yesterday, “His wrapped around presences”. What a vision of a hug from heaven. I pray today you experience His presences as He wraps around you and continues to pour His love and grace into your life.
Love you!
Aunt Mary
admin
Thank you so much! It’s true. In the busyness of life, time just passes us by, and we are stunned when we look up and see where we are. Love you, and I’m so thankful for all the prayers! XO
Kate McCain
As I think back to when I first knew you, it was already Ann Marie and Jonathan. At your bridal shower and at your wedding, I thought ‘they’re so young but already so strong in their faith’
That strong faith guarded you in foreign lands, safely returned you to the states. With that faith, you found your homes and grew your family. You’ve used your faith to encourage your children and countless others you’ve met along the way. I know you will grief Jonathan until you’re together again. In the meantime, trust yourself to be guided into your new journey. Keep going back to the source and keep going forward. Whatever title is used to describe you…you ARE a Godly woman. Much love 💕
admin
Kate, this is incredibly beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing that with me! XO
Crystal
I think there is book in your future! The way you have captured your beautiful story living life through the love of Jesus through serving, honoring and loving Jonathan and how he loved and served your family well! Though your story God is using you to minister to others needing to see how God is in control and ready to hold, comfort, provide and most of all cherish His children. I see God’s amazing favor resting upon you and expecting the unexpected is what I see over you surprises and opportunities beyond what you can imagine! Love you lady!
admin
Thank you, Crystal! Your words mean SO much! Love you too 🙂