Earth Angels
An unwelcome familiar emotion crept in this year as soon as the Christmas decorations started going up in all the retail stores. Something as simple as shopping at Costco is enough to send me into a tailspin this time of year. Not because I don’t like Christmas. I LOVE this time of year, but some things definitely changed last year after Jonathan’s brain cancer diagnosis. Payday has become a dreaded day. I can’t help but feel incredibly alone in the midst of all the smiling customers filling their carts with all kinds of Christmas decorations, gift wrap and ribbons, and of course, all the seasonal gift ideas in what seems like every isle. Bonus sadness points when I see a happy couple out shopping together. You see, I REMEMBER BEING ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE! I remember when that was my life. I wasn’t worrying about the future or what the next holiday might actually look like. It feels like I’m watching the world….LIFE…..continue on by without me. It hurts so much that I feel the pain right in my chest. It’s true. In some ways, I really just want my life back! I want to rejoin the people out there who don’t have such uncertainty hanging over their heads. If I’m honest, my future is not any more uncertain than anyone else’s. I’m just so much more aware of it because someone has actually said the words “limited lifespan”.
This past Thursday was one of those days. It even started before I headed out the door to get the needed groceries and household items for my family. One look at my bank account, and I didn’t even want to deal. With all the medical bills, health costs, and household emergencies, combined with loss of income for the year, it hurts even more. We had already told our kids that Christmas might be a lot different this year. I can’t promise that there will be much, if anything under the tree. Upon looking at my account that Thursday morning, realization hit that I also needed to cancel my hair appointment for the following day. Doesn’t sound like a big deal, but when you’ve already really pulled back on caring for yourself, it was just the last straw. I curled up on the floor in my closet and cried like a baby. The weight of everything was just suffocating…….all the bills that needed to be paid, the torn apart and non functioning house, the major water issue in my backyard that has been threatening the integrity of my house, the holidays, and now my haircut. I just couldn’t hold back the dam any longer, and all I could do was bawl my eyes out, and pray that God heard my heart.
I finally got up and dried my eyes and sent the dreaded text to my hair stylist letting her know that I would have to cancel my appointment. It wasn’t long before I heard back from her requesting that I come in anyway. She wanted to bless me with a cut and highlight. I was floored and so touched by her thoughtfulness. When I went to my appointment the next day, she treated me with such care and importance…..definitely doing more than she had suggested she would. She also listened and encouraged. My hair wasn’t the only thing that felt lighter walking out the door. She will probably never understand just how much she lifted my spirit with her kindness.
That same day, I also received a call from one of our friends who has desperately been trying to help us with the water issue in our back yard. They were planning to come over the following morning to work on it again, and they were bringing a back hoe. The next day, they labored out there for close to seven hours. It was finally discovered that some of the old drainage system around our home had completely disintegrated, and all that water was now flooding under our house and into the back yard. They worked tirelessly to dig, drain, and restore the drain pipe, and were rewarded by a release of the water that has been standing around our foundation for months. Within days, my back yard is returning back into a yard instead of a swamp. This is a HUGE load of my mind and my shoulders, and it’s something I could have in no way done myself. The most amazing part? These incredible people…..our friends…..(I should say “family”), have accepted nothing in return other than our thanks and a simple turkey sandwich. You want to talk about overwhelmed? I am completely overwhelmed!
My point is this……never think that God doesn’t hear you or see your tears! In the midst of all the pain of the last fourteen months, I have tried to just keep smiling at everyone I see, and trusting that God’s got this. All of my problems may not be solved, but God reminded me this past week, in a huge way, that He uses all His people to reach out to each other. In one form or another, He is behind the scenes answering your prayers and giving grace to get you through another day, another trial, or another season. His faithfulness is unfathomable and unsurpassed. This Thanksgiving season I am undone by the love and kindness of God shown to my family through His hands extended here on this earth. To you who have loved so fully, you are my “angels”, and for you I offer up so much thanks! I am encouraged once again to go out and do the same in whatever way I am able. Life is not anymore uncertain than it was a week ago, but I am reminded that God is the lifter of my head and the one who restores. No matter what it may look like, I am ready to dive into the holiday season. I have EVERYTHING to be thankful for, and every reason to love deeply.