Grief is Personal

It’s been a whole year.  On December 29th, 2019, my favorite person for over 32 years left this world behind.  I am “expected” to miserable today.  Sad, inconsolable, despondent……you name it.  I’ve heard it all, but I’m not experiencing any of those things.  My grieving started the day we received Jonathan’s terminal diagnosis.  For over two years, I dreamt, prayed, and hoped that Jonathan would receive a miracle here on earth, and be allowed to stay with me and our children.  I deeply believed in that possibility and lived out my life with faith for it.  That diagnosis was still there in my face though, especially with every doctor or hospital visit, every MRI, and every change or decline in Jonathan’s health or capabilities.  I experienced the entire gamut of people who felt the need to share why they believed we weren’t seeing things improve.  At times, the judgement was overwhelming, as was the “advice”, the condemnations, and the prayers of those who thought that we just didn’t have enough faith or know how to use it.  It was an incredibly lonely time, but I did have a circle of true friends that supported me emotionally, spiritually, and in a variety of tangible ways.  I had no choice but to cling closely to God, and I got REAL honest.  Isn’t that what He really wants from us anyway???  He already knows what is in our crushed hearts.  Why try to hide it when He’s the only one who can put us back together?

The agony was so real and so deep, and He was the only one who truly understood.  After less than a year since Jonathan’s initial seizures and diagnosis, God began whispering to my heart to start a blog.  I really resisted at first.  I was incredibly private, completely overwhelmed, and totally unknowledgeable when it came to sharing things on such a public platform.  He was so gently persistent with me, and I finally lifted my hands and said, “You win.  What do you want me to share?”.   He simply breathed the words – every day grace.  I had no idea what a promise that was for my present and my future.  God’s grace sustains me, grows me, covers me, and inhabits me.  When I look back over the the last three plus years, I can clearly see the fresh grace He has gifted to me on a daily basis.  When I look back over this last year, I can see that He multiplied it tenfold, and has given me a completely new perspective on everything.  I’m not sad today because I’m not thinking of this as the anniversary of the day Jonathan left me.   I’m thinking of it as celebration of the day that Jonathan regained himself.  All the pain and agony, the loss of his mind and bodily strength, the despair over leaving his family behind, all of it, was taken from him that moment that he left this earth.  I know Jonathan so well that I can play out the scene in my head and even feel the joy he experienced at being set free from such a terrible and terrifying disease.  Loving him deeply means that I long for him to be whole and at peace.  God got real honest with me a couple of months before Jonathan’s passing and let me know that it wouldn’t happen here on this earth.  Trust me, I still asked daily.  In fact, after he passed away, I desperately wanted to walk into his hospice room and experience a miracle.  It wasn’t to be.  What I do know is that it was Jonathan’s time.  I don’t completely know why.  It’s possible I never will, but God has shown me bits and pieces to comfort me and grow me.  Jonathan’s time here wasn’t wasted.  I know he didn’t accomplish so many things that he longed to, but God is faithful, and Jonathan’s life is part of a beautiful story…….a story that is still being written out here in my life and the lives of our children.  Somedays the ache is still so hard and the longing is sharp, but I’m not crying tears of sadness today.  I’m celebrating with Jonathan, and I’m SO thankful that all his pain is history never to be repeated.  I see more clearly than ever before.  Jonathan, you are one of the most beautiful gifts that God ever gave me.  I’m so grateful for the time we shared.  Someday, I’ll see you again, and we’ll have so much catching up to do!!  Until then, I’m loving you from here, and I hope I make you proud.  I love you with all of me…….

Below is an audio clip from a video chat I had with my aunt a couple of days ago.  It’s real, and at times raw.  I hope it encourages you and brings understanding to what those around you might be feeling.