The Love Continues

Twenty-five years……..how is that even possible??  On August 5th, 1995, I said “I do”, and promised myself to the love of my life.  Being barely eighteen years old at that time, the idea of celebrating our twenty-fifth anniversary seemed like a lifetime away, and of course, there was never a thought that one of us wouldn’t be here to celebrate such a milestone occasion.  In more recent years, our plans were to celebrate our silver anniversary by having the simple yet elegant outdoor wedding we had always dreamed of, followed by a long honeymoon in Hawaii.  By the time we reached our twenty-fourth anniversary, I think we both knew that it likely was the last one we would be spending together.  At that point, Jonathan had already been under hospice care for three months, and was struggling through each day on several pain meds.  We were grateful to have reached that day after being told he would probably be gone before then.  Still, it wasn’t much of a celebration since Jonathan did not have the strength to do much of anything, and I was exhausted from caretaking, being highly anemic, and being a month from giving birth to our youngest daughter.  Just sitting together in silence was more than enough.  

Today, my thoughts really haven’t been focused on that time.  Instead, I have found myself, on several occasions throughout the day, smiling as I remember the two very young and very in love kids who were about to take on the world, despite being told it was foolish or wouldn’t work.  I’ve spent time watching my kids and being overwhelmed by the fact that these five amazing people are here because of OUR adventure.  I’ve reminisced about some funny memories, and I’ve recalled difficult times when we leaned on each other and grew even stronger.  Most importantly, I have felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude.  I am who I am today because of the amazing gift I had in Jonathan, and it’s the gift that keeps on giving.  I’m about to tell you something that will blow you away.  I love Jonathan more today than I did the day he died, and I never thought that was possible.  When you lose someone you love, especially a spouse, it can feel like you’ve been forgotten and left behind.  Your heart can feel completely shredded and irreparable when your soulmate is torn from you.  I was experiencing one of those hard days awhile back, and God spoke very clearly and tenderly to me about it.  Our marriage was centered on God and each other.  When you allow yourself to be filled with God, that’s when you can truly love others, because God IS love.  Still we are human.  We make mistakes.  We get selfish.  We let life, work, or any number of things get in the way.  We can love hard, but we can’t love perfectly.  Not here.  In my heartache, God reminded me that Jonathan is with Him, and he now loves me perfectly!  Since God is still the bond between us, love still grows, expands, and perfects.  In some ways, Jonathan is getting the short end of the stick here.  Okay, not really!  BUT I still can’t love perfectly.  However, I do still love hard.  I can honestly tell you that today I have not experienced one moment of sadness.  In fact, I’ve had a pretty great day.  I know that I am loved, and I am cherished by God and my forever favorite person.  Of course I have moments (or days) of longing, of loneliness, and even pain, but they don’t overtake me.  I still chose love, and I still chose joy and so much grace.  I celebrate who I am today, and who I’ll grow into tomorrow.  I know that Jonathan is watching, and he’s proud of me.  Oh, and someday, I know that with ABSOLUTE certainty, I will see Jonathan again.  Until then, I have so much to do. 

I love you, Darling, forever and always.