God Remembers

The six weeks between our MRIs on March 26th and May 7th were a time of daily upheaval and change.  Every day brought with it some new decline in Jonathan’s condition.  The deterioration was rapid, and presented itself in many different manners.  Jonathan went from being fairly active around our home to sleeping between 15-18 hours a day.  He slowly started noticing some numbness in his right foot, and the headaches were increasing again.  As the numbness on his right side grew, his stability decreased, and his lack of balance increased.  By the time we headed back to the doctor on May 7th, he had almost no feeling on the whole right side of his body, and the fatigue and stumbling kept him in his chair all day when he wasn’t still in bed.  His short term memory was completely gone, and I had to take over administering all meds so they weren’t forgotten.  It was all so obvious that the tumor had been changing, and before walking into our doctor’s office, I already knew what was coming.  The doctor delivered the news that I already knew in my heart, and recited it almost verbatim with the record already spinning in my head. Even so, it still felt like my heart and breath stopped, and I still wasn’t prepared for the emotional blows that would come when I heard the words…….explosive growth…..tumor has invaded the other side of the brain……very aggressive.  She went on to put in a referral for hospice care along with the belief that we probably had a couple months left……give or take.  She recommended that we take our home off the market, and enjoy what time we have left.  She also confirmed that it was a very real possibly that Jonathan would not live long enough to meet his beautiful baby girl in person come this September. 

It was a very hard drive home that day.  No parent wants to deliver that kind of news to their children, let alone other loved ones.  It’s also hard knowing that you are about to deal with another round of “well-meaning” people who will tell you all the things you are doing wrong, share all their personal formulas, ideas, and spiritual rituals to better your situation, and give you all the reasons you have yet to experience healing.  Let’s be real……some people know how to love better than others, and some listen to themselves more than they do to the voice of God.  You may or may not get mad at their ignorant treatment, but regardless is can hurt and sting.  We are so blessed that God has surrounded us here with people who love us with their prayers, love us with their presence, and love us in practical ways.  They are definitely God’s hand extended, and we are beyond grateful.  

It has now been 5 and a half weeks since that very hard day.  Hospice care started right away.  The original plan was for them to visit every week.  We have not found that necessary, so it’s been more like once every other week.  Thankfully, Jonathan has not experienced any new symptoms since starting hospice!!!  He appears to be pretty stable right now, and that two month prognosis is looking more and more unlikely.  Life is still challenging.  At 6 months pregnant, I am still Jonathan’s primary caregiver.  He has medications that have to be administered around the clock, and he still spends most of his time in his easy-chair, BUT he is here with us, and we can share life, love, and moments.  We are still praying for his complete healing, and I know that we are surrounded by so many others who are doing the same!  Even so, our biggest prayer is that God would use us and our story to bring honor to Him.  God is SO good, and His provision has been amazing.  We know that He holds each member of our family in His hands, and He loves us more than we can possibly understand.

As for our house, we did take it off the market.  I confess that it is nice to have that stress of my back with everything else we are dealing with, but I honestly don’t know what God has next for us.  The word that we hear right now is “WAIT”.  If we’re honest, no one likes that word.  I really don’t like that word.  Everything feels very up in the air, but God’s will is for me to partake in His rest.  It takes daily discipline.  I’m not going to lie……some days I really fail at it, but God is faithful where I am not.  HE REMEMBERS WHEN I FORGET.  Back in March, we decided on our daughter’s name.  She is our beautiful Zara Gabrielle.  We chose Zara for the Bulgarian meaning, “God Remembers”.   He remembers each promise made to us.  He remembers our faithfulness, and He remembers His.  He remembers our dreams, even when it appears like they are dying and turning to dust.   Even in the midst of death and pain, God remembered His promise that there would be 5 children given to us.  We ourselves even gave up on that dream, but HE didn’t forget.  The name Gabrielle means “One who is given by God” and “God is my strength”.  I choose to look at the blessings and beauty rising from all the heartache.  No, I don’t know what comes next.  I don’t know if I’m going to like it.   What I do know is that we are not alone, and I will put my trust in the One who remembers.