Winds of Change

This past Tuesday came and went with another trip to the hospital for our regular MRI and doctors appointment.  The feeling of dread was more prevalent this time around as Jonathan had started experiencing daily headaches and eye pain just after Christmas.  Each day we would look at each other, and the unspoken question would just hang in the air………..Has the tumor progressed?  While we walked into the hospital that day with God’s strength, I was feeling an incredible amount of heartache at the reality of our situation.  Regardless of what was going to be found that day, the pain and stress of this journey has been a daily reminder that our lives have been forever changed.  Some days, it is just hard to breathe, and there’s nothing you can do but let the tears fall.  As I sat in a hospital chair waiting for Jonathan’s scan to be done, I had one of those moments.  It sent me scurrying to an outside balcony where my thoughts and the cold air were my only companions.  As the tears just streamed down my face, I felt incredibly alone, and I longed for the comfort of a hug and a shoulder to cry on.   That never came, but what I did receive has the inflowing of God’s perfect peace.  I didn’t know what was coming in the next hour, but I did know that God was watching…….watching our situation, watching me in my brokenness, and working out a plan for the next season.  At that point, I felt ready to meet Jonathan with a smile, and face whatever was coming our way.

Thankfully, we did not have to wait long after the MRI to see the doctor.  Before diving into what she saw on the scans, the doctor probed with many questions about how Jonathan was doing.  She then told us that the MRI was definitely worse than the one done back in September.  She quickly added that she still believes that what is showing up is radiation damage (or as they like to term it, “treatment effect).  Apparently, more areas of enhancement are showing up around the edges of the radiation area, but the real cause for concern this time is swelling on the brain.  That would account for the daily headaches and eye pain.  Of course, for me, this brings back memories of early on when the first doctor told us that there was no tumor, but just swelling.  That was indeed a very incorrect diagnosis.  She will be taking Jonathan’s case before the tumor board this coming week to double check with her colleagues.  The group will look over the scan and discuss their opinions on whether it is indeed swelling or tumor progression.  In the meantime, her suggestion was to start back on steroids to try to get the swelling down.  Jonathan was understandably hesitant to do that as he does not react well to that drug.  She told us to think about it and get back to her.  Two days later, the pain had increased enough that it was obvious that there was no choice but to take the steroids.  It’s already getting rough.

Living and moving in faith and trust can be SO hard, but that is what we are striving to do every day.  God’s grace props us up when nothing else can.  That being said, it is becoming obvious that we really can’t keep maintaining the status quo, and there are changes in the wind for us.  We honestly don’t know what all that means, but things ARE changing.  I think that most of the time, people see Jonathan up walking around, working, and seeming mostly normal, and they forget that there is still something inside his head that wants to take his life from him.  Everything he does no longer comes with ease, and this past year has been hard.  At times it’s been brutal.  They don’t see the struggle and the emotional anguish that can be impossible to escape.  For all he has gone through, and all he is, I’m still proud, but I know he’s tired.  Something’s got to give.

One big change that IS coming for our family in the near future is a milestone for sure, and it’s bittersweet.  Our eldest, Damon, just turned 22 this month.  He will be moving out, and making his way in the plan that God has for him.  Honestly, we could not be more thrilled for him, but we will miss him.  When his dad was first diagnosed, he dropped out of school for a year, and was there to help me.  I am so grateful and so very proud to see how he has grown as a man, a son, a brother, and a child of God.  He won’t be far, but it will definitely be a change…..and it’s time.

As for a change that has already come and gone, anyone who follows me knows that this past fall, I struck out on a journey to completely remodel my kitchen from the ground up.  It was something I had never done before, but was necessary after a kitchen flood and subsequent damage tanked the value of our home.  This journey has also been bittersweet.  I designed and built this kitchen to my own specifications and put all my love into it, but I knew through the entire project that it may not be for me.  For now, I am enjoying every minute I spend in this beautiful space, and I am SO incredibly thankful for it.  If I have to give it up, well, then someone will be purchasing an Ann Marie Comfort original!  😉  I still have some toe kicks, trim work, and pull outs to install, but for the most part it’s done, and I wanted to share it with all of you who have been cheering me on!  (If you never saw the before pics, look back in my previous posts.)

Finally, I humbly ask that you all continue to keep us in your prayers.  We are ever in need of God’s wisdom and guidance, and always HIS strength because ours falters.  We are so very thankful for all the love and support we have been shown by friends, family, friends who have become family, and many we have never met.  God’s blessings on you as you encounter His grace for today.  Love you!