Break My Heart

If you’ve listened to enough Christian radio, or sat in enough church services, you have inevitably heard the phrase, “God, break my heart for what breaks yours”.  It’s become an all too common catchphrase that I have heard many just throw about.  I have to ask: have you taken the time to really understand what you are saying?  Do you really know what you’re asking for?

I suppose for many, today was just another “manic Monday”, but for some, today was the day that time just stopped, confusion bewildered a mind not daring to comprehend, and lives were forever changed.  I saw it happen again today, in the place I least expected it. Today’s job was located in beautiful Oak Harbor.  I’ve come to enjoy and appreciate these occasional long northern commutes.  The scenery in the PNW is truly breathtaking, and I never tire of seeing all the beauty that surrounds me here.  It also tends to provide some uninterrupted thought and prayer time just by myself……….something that can be rare these days.  I arrived at the address given, but after several attempts at ringing the doorbell, I concluded that my client was not at home.  I quickly called the front office, and they managed to get a hold of her and let me know that she was on the way home.  I was slightly frustrated, but it wasn’t the first time this had happened, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.  About half an hour later, my client arrived home, and very apologetically welcomed me into her home.  I took measurements for the two closets she wanted redone, and then sat down with her in her living room.  She was obviously struggling, so I gently let her know that I typically sit and draft up her designs while in her home so I can quickly present her with plans and pricing on the spot.  She sadly shook her head and let me know that she just wasn’t up to that today.  She proceeded to tell me that the reason she was late today was that she was at the oncologist’s office, and she had completely forgotten our appointment.  She literally just moved into her new waterfront condo this past weekend, and then Monday came, and she received the news that just gutted her to her core.  The cancer is back.  As the words came out, I sat there stunned and humbled to realize that unless she called someone on her dash back home because she knew I was there waiting for her, I was probably the first person to hear her news.  Me…..the complete stranger sitting in her home, there to sell her some closets.  My own emotions quickly rose to the surface as I remembered receiving that same kind of devastating news years ago for my late husband.  I choked them back as much as I could yet, I was THANKFUL that I could identify and understand that raw and searing pain.  My heart broke just looking into her eyes and seeing the fear and frustration that her news brought down upon her.  She told me that she was looking forward to seeing what designs I came up with, but also showed great relief when I assured her that I would get them done, but would give her a few days to process what just happened before I sent them to her.  She thanked me for understanding that all she really needed right then was to curl up alone and have a good cry.  I let her know that I had a long drive ahead of me, and I would be praying for her.  My heart was so heavy walking out of her home and back to my car.  It took everything in me to hold back the tears while I called my boss to update her on the outcome of my appointment.  As I headed out onto the road, I let the tears overtake me while I started to pray.  While I poured out my heart to God on her behalf, I was assailed by every possible question of doubt for how I handled the situation.  Did I say what she needed to hear?  Should I have done more?  Should I have done less?  Did I show the love of God or was I too focused on the business side of things?  Did I get too personal in what I shared with her, or was it helpful?  I quickly remembered that in my weakness, HE is made strong.  It’s HIM that she needs.  I am so willing to be a vessel to that end, but ultimately, I get to go along for the ride while God carefully interweaves lives, situations, and relationships to further his plans, not mine.  I literally did pray for this precious woman for the entire drive home.  It was raw and exhausting, but incredibly rewarding at the same time.  I am humbled that He chose me to be there in her life in that moment.  I’m blessed that He has given me the connection to hopefully speak HIS words into her future.  My heart is so broken, but it’s such a good broken.  Every encounter like this reminds me again and again that God doesn’t just use our pain.  He redeems it!  He makes it worth it.  

I have no idea how long I will be doing this job.  It’s a matter I’ve taken up with God many times.  I’m honestly not making enough for us to survive, but in His graciousness, somehow all of our needs end up met anyway.  I’m undone knowing that He is using all of this for His glory and to build my future.  He has shown me parts of my future that I sometimes struggle to believe, yet I see how everyday, He is bringing me closer to those dreams.  Whatever you want of me, Lord, I am along for the ride!  I so trust you…..how can I not?  You have been nothing but faithful.  Never doubt the goodness of God in your life.  He is for you.  He is working out so much detail behind the scenes on your behalf.  I feel so incredibly loved.  When you think of me, please pray that I have HIS words to speak into the lives of those I’m coming in contact with everyday.  Pray that I always put Him and others first.  And thank Him with me for breaking my heart.